Weird Dreams: episode four

Today's weird dream is brought to you by a granola bar eaten at three in the morning...

I'm at a restaurant with my family. Me, Kyle, the kids, some of our cousins and their kids.  Everyone is eating and talking. I smile.  I love being with my family.  In a dark corner, I notice a man staring at us.  I can't tell what he looks like because he's got a bunny hug on and a baseball hat.  Everything he's wearing is black.  He takes a sip of coffee and his eyes meet mine.  Somehow, I know I'm supposed to go to him.  

I get up, telling Kyle the man is here and I'll be right back.  He tells me to be careful.  No one can see what's happening.  I can tell he's watching me as I get up and head to the bathroom.  A few minutes later, I hear the door open and someone walks in.  

"I'm in here."

The man's footsteps enter the stall next to mine.  "You're sure your family is ready for this?"

I nod even though he can't see me.  "We are."

He hands me a small package from under the divider.  "You have five hours."

I hear him leave and take my time exiting the bathroom with the cell phone sized package tucked in my back pocket.

Kyle exhales the breath he's been holding as I sit back down beside him.  Everyone is looking at me.

"We have five hours."  I pull the package out, taking the elastic off that's holding instructions against it. 

Welcome
The rules are simple.
1. take the packages to HIM by any means necessary
2. at least two of your team members must be at the final point

The restaurant doors burst open and a group of military guys come running up to us.

"They're coming! We have to go now! Brumby and Stinker will take the kids to a secure location!"  

Everyone gives the kids a quick hug.  

Emery kisses me on the cheek.  "You can do this, mom."

I take a deep breath and watch as the kids grin and run to the tank they get to ride in.  "Let's do it."

We run and get on our bicycles, pedaling down a back alley as fast as we can.  I feel the package slipping out of my pocket and decided to hang it around my neck by the chord it's attached to.  We make it to a tall skyscraper made completely of  windows.

Cheryl, Courtney, and Dwayne Johnson watch as Kyle and I run into the building.

"We'll meet you in the field!" yells Cheryl before pedaling away, the three of them accompanied by three guards.

"Where is it?"  Kyle stops me from getting on the elevator.

"Tenth floor."  

"They'll expect the elevator."

"Yeah."  I head to the stairway and we start to head up.

"Here! We can travel through the vents.  Bucky, give us a boost."

Kyle follows me in and passes me the gun Bucky has given him before pulling the other man up to join us.

The trip through the vents is exhausting and long.  Maybe this was a bad idea.  Maybe we won't have enough time.  In my mind, I've been counting the turns and floors.

"Here.  This is where we need to get out."

We drop into an office and quickly hide behind a large desk.  

A man with green scales for skin pauses and peeks in.

"They beat us here."  Bucky makes sure his safety is off and I do the same.  

Kyle attaches the silencer to his weapon.  "You know what sucks? They blend in.  We don't."

"I have to get to the back office."  I point in the direction I need to go.  The lights go out and I slip on my night vision goggles.  "Thanks god for Sparky."

Kyle grins.  "Let's go."

We manage to slip past a couple of office workers without being detected.  Bucky swings open the back office door .  His gun goes off twice and two bodies drop to the ground.  I kick open a closet door and shoot the manager who was hiding in it.

"It's in here."  I grab the box with the symbol on it that matches the package around my neck.

"Everybody freeze!"  

I see Bucky swing his gun around to take down the threat, but not quickly enough.  The building guard's gun goes off and Bucky falls to the ground.  Kyle grabs a chair and smashes the window open.

"Go, Mi!"  He shoots one guard and drops as he gets hit in the leg.  With a grunt, he throws himself at the men in the doorway.

"Kyle!"

"Go! Finish this!"  He takes another round in the chest and the last thing I see as I launch myself out of the tenth story window is his body falling to the ground.

I pull my parachute chord, knowing it's not going to do much to slow me down at this height.

"Hang on!"  Sparky groans as he attempts to catch me and I smash him into the asphalt.  "Bucky and Kyle?"

I shake my head and swallow hard.  "Gone."

"Come on."  He squeezes my arm.  "We have to keep going."  He stuffs the box in the big pocket on his pant leg and we take off running.

"We have to get to the field."  I duck into a back alley to get out of view.  Sparky peeks around the corner to make sure we aren't being followed.

"Let's go."  He leads to way until we're laying behind some bushes at the edge of the field.

"Shit."  Cheryl, Courtney, and Dwayne are tied to posts, surrounded by twenty plus enemy soldiers.  All I can think about is shooting each and everyone of them in their scaly green faces.

"Where do we find the package?"

I look through my scope.  "There.  They have it sitting by our team."

"Bastards.  Do they really think we're just going to stroll in there?"

We glance at each other and grin.  Making sure all of our weapons are loaded and ready, we stand and start shooting.

Chaos ensues as the enemy scrambles to recoup from our surprise.  Cheryl manages to get loose and tackles a panicked guard, stealing his weapon and shooting him before joining in the massacre.  Sparky reaches the package and stuffs it into his other leg pocket.  He quickly cuts down Courtney and Dwayne and gives them weapons.  

"Come on!"  I lead the way into the woods, glancing at my watch.  "We have an hour!"

I try not to feel excited.  We have all three packages.  Now, we just have to get it to HIM. 

Cheryl takes a shot to side and falls.  Dwayne covers her and takes three to the back.  He pushes his weapon toward Courtney.  "Go."

Courtney, Sparky, and I dash through the woods breaking out into the open of a parking lot.  We can hear the others behind us.  A quick scan confirms we aren't going to be ambushed and we go crashing through the front doors.

HE is waiting for us, his white suit pristine as HE sits behind a table.  HE stands.  

Sparky and I stumble forward, out of breath, holding out the packages for HIM. HE takes them, opens them, and scrutinizes them.  HIS eyes meet mine and he grins.

"Congratulations.  You've done it."

Gordon Ramsay takes the secret ingredients for the best hot chocolate on earth and heads off into the kitchen to make us some.

The kids come running up to us, excited to taste the treat.

We all turn as the lizard men some strolling into restaurant.  

Sheldon and the others pull off their lizard masks.  "Man, these things are bloody hot."

Everyone laughs and I hand him a glass of water.  Kyle gives me a hug, still wiping the paint from the paint balls off of his sleeve.

"I can't believe you jumped out of that building!"  Bucky grins with a shake of his head.

I burst out laughing, remembering it.  "Me neither!"

"That was kickass!"

We all sit as Gordon comes back with the hot chocolate and the only sound is thirsty slurps.  

"What are you going to make next time?"

He shrugs.  "It's a surprise."

"Can you make a cake?" asks Ashtynn.

Gordon shrugs.  "Is that what all of  you want?"

All the kids nod enthusiastically.  

Sparky stretches his arms over his head.  "I'm sorta glad it's the kids' turn next weekend.  I'm wrecked."

The adults all agree and the teams are picked for the following weekend fun of paintaball mob boss chef adventures.

Me: It's Been a While Since my Last Massive Panic Attack... Life: Hold my Beer.

Now, had this been five months ago, I'd have drank that beer and gone to buy another case. But it's not five months ago and I've been sober that long.  (Yay!) I'd be lying if I said it was easy to get here.  Truth be told, the first little while was pure hell.  I was crabby, cranky, rude... well, you get the point.  And while staying sober would be hell on the best of circumstances, I picked summer to do it. 

Yeah.  You know.  Bonfire, sit in the sun, have a beer camping season. Oh.  And then I traveled to Ontario and Quebec to visit all of my family and attend my brother's wedding. 

I spent the first three months avoiding social events and if I found myself at one, I sat away from everyone, usually in a different room. (fun times)

The first three months, I also had zero control over my anxiety.  Though my meds had managed to keep things in check while I was drinking, they did nothing while I detoxed and fought the cravings.

BUT! I pushed through that three month mark and things got easier. I got the anxiety under control and I started becoming the wife/mom/person I had been before I let the alcohol poison my life.  I never could have made it without my support system. (my husband, my family and friends, and my kids)  They're phenomenal.

So, most of you know the story with my oldest son, Anthony.  He got handed a shitty hand when he was born with cerebral palsy with autistic tendencies and epilepsy.  You've seen my twitter, instagram, and facebook posts of seizures, horrible nights, and behavior issues.

As I write this, I'm laying in bed with him and we're watching Rescue Bots. 

But life with Anthony has been life for the past 13, almost 14 years.  Holy shit, he's almost 14 years old!  Anyway, even though we have our stressful moments, it's our normal and we're used to it. (though, he does like to throw us a curve ball every once in a while. lol)

A little while ago, I made the mistake of thinking to myself that things were going great and I forgot to knock on wood.  ALWAYS remember to knock on wood.  Because if there's one thing life knows, it's that if it wants to mess with me, the best way to do it is through my kids.

Since then, I've had to watch my princess go for bloodwork and a renal and bladder ultrasound to see if they could find what is causing her to have multilple infections a year.  She was a trooper and thought it was cool she could see her insides on the tv and thankfully, no abnormalities were found. She's now going to be seeing a pediatrician, though that's not until January. I'm not sure what the next step he'll suggest will be, but like I said, January, so I'm trying to not think about it too much. (yeah right)

Two weeks ago, Emery came home from school, crying because his back hurt.  It turns out he was playing on a play structure at school and fell from five feet up onto his back.  We rubbed him down, let him soak in the tub, and when that seemed to help, we chalked it up to sore muscles from the fall.

A week later, ( a day after Ashtynn's ultrasound) he was still in pain and a trip to the doctor was made.  There, we were told there was a possibility he might have a fracture on one of his vertebrae and he was sent for xrays. 

A few days later, I saw my doctor's number on my phone.  Now, some people might think, oh well, but our doctor only phones us if something comes up in the tests that were taken.  Go for bloodwork, no phone call, you're fine.  Xrays, no phone call, all is good.

So, I took a deep breath and answered the phone, all the while wondering if I was getting news about Ashtynn or Emery. 

It was Emery.

It turns out he doesn't have a fracture on any of his vertebrae.  What he does have is Spina Bifida Occulta.  To my doctor's credit, he assumed I'd heard of Spina Bifida and rushed on to say that it is also called closed Spina Bifida and that it is the mildest form of the condition.  After easing my worry (I'm not going to lie, as soon as he said the name I imaged Emery's spinal chord ripping through his back... even though I knew it was something he'd obviously been born with and has lived with for eleven years with no issues whatsoever) he told me to bring Emery in and he'd explain more of what would happen next.

This morning, we went to the office. Some of Emery's vertebrae did not form properly while he was developing, therefore, he has a space which exposes his spinal chord. Though Emery hasn't had any symptoms (other than his back getting sore much more often then his siblings), there is a possibility that as he grows he could start having problems such as leg pain/ numbness, as well as other things.  He is now being referred to a pediatric specialist in Saskatoon where they will do more scans and decide what our game plan is.  Thankfully, because he doesn't have any symptoms, the chance of surgery is very small (pretty much non-existent) at this time. 

Now, I thought I was handling things well enough.  I did have an hour or so after the appointment where I felt a bit overwhelmed, but that passed and well, life.

It's funny how one tiny thing can set off a panic attack.  All it took for me was to look at my calendar and see I had to take Anthony to his Neurologist on Wednesday. 

Done.

I managed to get to my room and hide under the covers before my breathing went to shit and my chest contracted to the point I was sure I was having a heart attack.  I'm not sure how long it went on (it always feels like hours), but I finally remembered to do all my "it's a panic attack, it will pass" exercises.  I'm actually pretty happy with myself, I didn't even take an ativan (evil, tiny pills, they always put me to sleep). 

And even happier with the fact that I didn't even think about having a drink.

So, that's pretty much it.  I've had my meltdown and now it's back to business as usual because, well... this blog wouldn't be called Life and my Retreating Sanity if life was all rainbows and unicorns. :)

Weird Dreams: episode three

Once upon a time, I ate a Burger King whopper, a wannabe poutine, and some onion rings with zesty dip at eleven o'clock at night.  Oh.  And I drank a coke, so I couldn't fall asleep until one thirty. And, fine, it wasn't really once upon a time.  It was last night.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The day started out quite normally.  Kyle and I walked with the kids along the streets of the Market in Ottawa. We were surrounded by family.  Sheldon, Shelley, and the girls suggested going for poutine and beaver tails. We, of course, loved the idea.

Once we were done eating, I found myself with the kids and my dad at a campsite with cabins.  We were spending the day fishing.  Anthony did was Anthony always does and caught a monster. Literally.  

b

Before he could get it on board, the wind picked up and we found ourselves in the middle of a hurricane.  Dad fought to get the boat back to shore without getting tipped over.  The temperature started to drop and the snowflakes stung my skin where they connected.

I handed the kids their bunnyhugs and pulled mine on, hanging on to the side of the boat for dear life.

"We're not going to make it!" yelled my dad.  "We're going to have to jump!"

I glanced at the water and was shocked to see it had turned to ice.  Dad threw his tackle box on it to see how solid it was.  When it didn't break through, he hopped off, the wind almost carrying him away.

"Dad! Duck!"

A palm tree narrowly missed his head.

Following his lead, we ran to shore.

Safe in our cabin, the kids decided to play outside as the sun came out.

"Mom! There's some dolphins stuck out there!"  Ashtynn came into the cabin, crying.

I frowned.  "There aren't any dolphins in Saskachewan, honey."

"But mom, I swear!"

I head out to see what these dolphins might be and stop short.  "What is that?"

Emery dumps a netful of dog hair at my feet.  "It's Smokey hair.  The dolphins can't breathe because it's plugging their blow holes!"

I gaze around to the twenty five or so people frantically scooping dog hair out of the lake so the dolphins can breathe.

One of the dolphins calls out as someone manages to lasso it around the neck.  It promptly turns into a lynx that is chained to a stump.

"Careful! They don't give you much room to maneuver." 

I look up to see who has a hold of my arm and blink.

"Hi.  I'm Jeremy."

Holy shit. Jeremy Renner just saved me from being eaten by a lynx the size of a tiger!!

"They turned a while ago.  The owners haven't had the heart to put them down."

I look more closely at the zoo animals.  All of them are chained by the neck to a stump. All of them are... zombies.

A tiny growl/bark comes from behind me and I turn.  My yorkie is a zombie and tied to a post.  Freya barks and barks and barks.

"Freya! Shut up!"

She doesn't stop and I swat at her with my arm.

"Stupid puntable."

I sit up in bed. Leave it to Freya to start barking when I'm just getting to a kickass Jeremy Renner / Zombie apocalypse part of a dream.  :D

Oh well.  Until the next one.  Hahaha! Weird dreams, everyone!

Weird Dreams: episode two

Well, I did it again.  Yep. I ate before bed.  And this time, it wasn't just a cookie.  It was a greek sub accompanied by fries, gravy, and pepsi. Oh. And it was three hours past my bedtime. So here you go. The awesomeness that is my food induced dream. The starting scene is pretty basic.  Just picture me walking down a dirt road.

I walk until I reach a dead end.  There are a bunch of run down houses and broken down cars and trucks.  People are sitting around fires in barrels and children running around playing with dogs.  No one seems to notice me standing there.

There's a scream from somewhere in the forest and I jump, surprised.  I glance to the the desolate little group who don't seem to have heard a thing.  I open my mouth to yell to get the attention and I stop cold.  One woman is now staring at me, unblinking. She gives one slow shake of her head.
My voice sticks in my suddenly dry throat.

The scream comes again and and I run into the woods alone.

"Hellll..."

The scream stops.

I pause, trying to decide which direction the echos are coming from.

A rustle to the left has me dashing in that direction.  I immediately regret my decision to try and help.

Laying in the tall grass was a girl. Or what was left of her.  Large claw marks shredded through almost every inch of skin. I could see.  Her long blonde hair was a matted mess with dirt, leaves, and blood.

I race back to the road, and find the people from the sad looking homes all standing there.

"Shit." I abruptly dive right and manage to find an extra burst of speed as I head towards the safety of home.

Stumbling into the house, I try to catch my breath.

"Mi! What's wrong?" Allie hands me a bottle of water.

"Weird people.... scream... body..."

"What are you talking about?"

I manage to get my breathing under control.

"I was walking and I found this little clearing with some weird people in it.  There was this scream and none of them even bothered to look up except for one scary lady.  So I ran into the woods and there was a body.  It was ripped to shreds."  I rush to the bathroom and puke.

"It was probably a deer or something."

I shake me head.  "It was human.  It had long blond hair and ripped clothes and skin..." More of my breakfast makes it into the toilet.

I hear her talking on the phone.

"The police are coming to pick us up so you can show them."

I manage to brush my teeth and decide some gum won't hurt. Two officers pull up in a squad car and we get in the back.

It doesn't take long before I find myself facing the strange people of the clearing.

Allie looks at me.

I nod.  "I told you." I look to the cop beside me.  The freaked out look on his face is enough for me.  "The body was over here."  No one argues as I lead the way.

After an hour of walking around, I still can't find the victim. The blond cop (Kade) is getting impatient.

"I swear, I saw it."

"I believe her.  I've never seen her that upset."  Allie backs me up.

The dark haired cop (Jordan) bends with a frown.  "I found blood."

His partner joins him.

All of us jerk to attention at the sound of a growl to our left.

Jordan and Kade pull their guns and stand in front of us.

"RUN!"  Jordan hollers at us as he and his partner start to fire at whatever is crashing through the woods.

Instead of the cop car, we're greeted by the crowd of strange people with guns aimed at us.  I grab Allie's hand as we are pushed and shoved toward the... beautiful cabin on the edge of a lake...

"This is where you'll be staying."  Scruffy guy with a shotgun shows us to a beautiful room.  "If you need anything just give a call to the main cabin and we'll do our best to accommodate you.  Your boat is ready to go whenever you are."

Anthony claps his hands as we get our tackle and rods ready.  My son and I head out on the lake and find a spot we were told was producing some big pike. We start casting.  Anthony's excitement mounts as he gets a bit and his line tightens.

It takes a bit of work but he manages to pull Jaws into our fishing boat...

We get back on shore and everyone is cheering.

"He's killed the beast!"

I hear gun shots and look up from things I'm unloading.  Allie is running out of the woods and I can tell she's hurt.  She trips and falls, turning to look back at the woods where the gunshots are still happening.

A large shadow comes crashing out of the trees.  All I can make out is black.  It has no solid shape that can I can tell.  Allie screams and her body starts to glow.  She screams again and the glow gets brighter.

The dark thing jumps toward her.  Her third scream has her exploding into a ball of light.

I close my eyes at how bright the explosion is, but not before her light engulfs the dark thing.  Both of them disappear.

The glow starts to spread. It expands, disintegrating everything it touches.

I have time to think that Allie's light is so nice and warm before I poof into nothingness.

Adventures with Gueguette: chapter one

If there is one thing that is guaranteed when it comes to Alzheimer's it's that life is never boring.  Even if you've never had a loved one afflicted by it, or know someone who has a loved one affected, you've probably heard random stories of somebody who's had to deal with dementia. Most of them are sad, frustrating, and as time goes on, devastating.

Although Alzheimer's is a terrible thing, when you talk to people who have dealt or are currently dealing with someone afflicted by it, there is usually one thing they have in common and that is humor.

In my new mini series 'Adventures with Gueguette', I'll be posting about the good times, the funny times.  Those are the times we need to hang to.  These are the times we need to remember.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

It started off as any normal Monday of the summer holidays.  The kids woke up, we had breakfast, and we amused ourselves doing summer things in the sun.  Mondays are also the day I usually pick up my grandma from the day center.  Mom drops her off in the morning then her and dad go off to do things.  It's their day off together.  I pick Gueguette up at three so that the two of them can stay out as long as they want/need to.  

I sent my mom a text at about eleven.

How was Gueguette this morning?

She was a bit confused. 

Okay.  I'll go stay with her at your house after I pick her up.

By one, I knew this wasn't going to be happening.  Though a confused Gueguette always does best sitting in her chair at home, my son with cerebral palsy, autism and epilepsy also has days where he does better in his house, in his room, away from everything.  Today is one of those days.  On days like this, I go with the lesser of two evils which is a very confused senior over an autistic meltdown by a teenager.

When I get to the day center, the group is in the main room singing songs.  I get into Gueguette's line of view and make eye contact.  Nothing. My grandma doesn't recognize me.  No big deal.  It's not the first time, it won't be the last, and to get upset solves nothing.  I leave the room, wait until they're done signing, then go back in.

She sees me, smiles, and waves me over so I can help her stand up.

"Did you like that song, Mireille?" (Our conversations are all in French, English is starting to confuse her) 

"I did! It was beautiful."  I take her arm and start walking toward the room that has her back of things.  "Did you have a good day?"

She frowns, trying to think of what she might have done in the past few hours.  "I don't know."

I smile and hug her.  "I'm sure you did.  We can read what the girls wrote in your book to see what you did later."

Satisfied with that, we gather her things and head to the jeep.  "Here, have a Halls.  They're good."

I take one put it in my pocket with the other three she's given me since I got there.

"Where's Danielle?" she inquires.

"She's gone fishing with dad."

"Oh, right.  Good for her."  She stops walking at a red van.  (I used to have a red van).

"My jeep's over here, Gueguette."

"Oh, right." 

I open the passenger door for her, remind her where the holy shit handle is so she can use it to help pull herself in, and a lot of laughing and pushing and pulling later, I do up her seatbelt.

"Oh, Mi.  You must be so tired of me."

I laugh.  "Of course not.  We always laugh when we're together, right?"

She nods, happy.  "When does your mom's plane land?"

It takes me a second to respond and she keeps talking.

"I don't know what I'm going to do when I get back."

I decide to let her keep going to get a better understanding of what she thinks reality is right now.

"I'm glad I came to visit though.  When do I go back to Ottawa again?"

Ding, ding, ding.  She thinks she still lives in Ottawa and that my mom lives there and that they're here to visit me.

"You're here for a while, Gueguette."

"Yeah?"

I nod.  "Yep.  You're stuck here with me."

She laughs.

We're quiet for a few minutes.

"Where's Danielle?"

"She's gone fishing with dad."

"Oh, right.  Good for her.  Here, have a Halls.  They're really good."

I add it to the I'm not sure how many other Halls in the change drawer in the jeep.  

She looks at the bridge as we go by it.  "We're not in Ottawa."

"No."

"How long am I here for?"

"For a while."

We pull up to the house and she moves to the back of the jeep.  "Mi, you need to open the back."

I smile.  "How come?"

"My luggage is in there."

I laugh and catch myself.  "It's okay, I'll bring it in later.  Come in the house.  You must be tired from your trip."

She nods and follows me in.  Exhausted from her flight, she sits on the couch and pets the dogs.  Pet therapy is no joke.  The instant she starts to pet them, you can see her relax.  The dogs decide they need to pee and go outside.  She frowns.

"I can't believe they lost my luggage! (throw in a few choice French words they don't teach you in French class)"

"It's okay, Gueguette.  I'll deal with it.  Emery, can you bring Gueguette a can of ice tea, please?"

My middle boy nods and smiles.  They know what's happening and all my kids are amazing with her when she gets like this.  I take my phone into my bedroom and make sure I speak loud enough so she can hear me.

"This is absoloutely unacceptable!  How is a person supposed to enjoy their holiday when they don't have any of the things they brought along!"  Pause.  "Well, look again!"  Pause.  "See?  That wasn't so hard, now was it!"  Pause.  "Thank you.  We'll be waiting for it tomorrow."

Gueguette looks up from coloring with Ashtynn.  "Did you get it sorted?"

I nod.  "Yep.  They found it and they're putting it on the bus first thing in the morning."

She smiles.  "You're so good to me, Mireille."

"Of course."  I give her a kiss.  "It's cause I love you."

More coloring happens, we eat supper.  It is established about 50 more times that mom is fishing with dad.  Sometimes, Gueguette thinks she visiting.  Other times, she knows she's a permanent resident of Saskatchewan.  It's half and half whether or not my parents live here or in Ontario.  The pile number of Halls in our little Halls bowl grows.

Mom and dad get back from fishing. Gueguette looks up, confused.

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm picking you up, mom.  We're going home."

"To Ottawa?"

"No.  To our house here.  The blue house."

You can tell by the look in her eyes she's trying to process this information.  I help her stand up.

"It's okay, Gueguette.  Go with mom."

She mumbles all the way to the truck.

I wait a half hour and text mom.

How is she?

Good.  She got in the house, sat in her chair, and now she's doing her words.

Okay.  Talk to you tomorrow.  Love you.

Love you, too.  Thanks again.

No problem.  Hey, don't forget to go pick up her luggage tomorrow at the bus stop that doesn't exist anymore.

LOL! Will do.

Weird Dreams: episode one

So, last night, I had a cookie before bed.  Yeah.  I know.  Big mistake.  Eating anything before bed guarantees I'll have at least one hell of a messed up dream.  So, here it is.  THE cookie induced dream.

I awoke this morning with a smile.  The night had gone well.  I'd gotten my required eight hours and the kids had slept through the night.  I stretched and sighed before getting up to get some coffee.  As the pot brews, I glance out the window to survey the back yard.  I frown.  Something seems different. I follow the movement of the flies and other insects as they move from grass blades to flowers. I can't shake the feeling that something is wrong.

Ignoring the now finished coffee, I swing open the back door and freeze in shock. my back gate is wide open and everything is GONE! The shed, the table, the chairs, the garden decorations... Even all of my vegetables, flowers and bushes!  Gone!  My yard is now completely empty.  The only clue is a set of truck tracks in the snow.  Yeah.  Snow. 

I pull out my phone and bring up my alarm app.  I'll have the bastards on video!  I scroll through the different clips and my stomach drops.  What the hell? Nothing! Not one clip that has any evidence of the culprit.  Just one that shows my yard gates start to swing open and the next a shot of them wide open and my yard empty. I turn the app off and run inside to check the app on my laptop.  There! There's a snapshot on the laptop that wasn't on my phone.  Weird.  My anger flares.  The photo managed to catch the back end of a trailer as it was leaving my yard.  And I know that trailer.

A holler outside sends me running back to the yard.  There, I can hear my neighbours yelling in anger. We all meet in the alley.

"Someone emptied my yard!" complains one. 

"I have nothing left!"

"Who would do such a thing?"

"I know who it was," I growl.  "I'll be right back."  I jump into my Jeep and race to my cousin's house.

"Shelley!  Open up!"  I stomp into the house.

Shelley smiles and holds out a freshly baked cake.  "Cake?"

"No, I don't want any cake.  I want my shit back.  And my neighbours want their shit back.  What the hell, Shelley!!"

My niece, Chelsea, snorts.  "I told you she'd know."

Shelley's face goes from cheerful to menacing.

She pulls out a knife from under her cake and stabs at me while Chelsea laughs.  I counter by pulling my belt out of the loops on my jeans.  It turns into an electrified whip.  It sparks as it starts to rain in the living room.

"Why did you take it?"  I whip in her direction then pull back in an arc, aiming at my niece who has picked up a sword.  "What have I ever done to you?"

The pair have turned into half naked hairy fairies and their weapons have turned into wands.

"Give us your teeth!"

"I don't friggin thinks so!"  I dash outside and find myself in a room with no furniture.  A large window takes up most of the far wall, though it is so dirty, I can't see through it.  The floor is covered in a layer of dirt so think it feels like I'm walking through snow.

Crunch.  I cringe.  What did I step on? Another step forward and another crunch.  I squat and run a finger through the dust, trying not to cringe. It comes into contact with something hard.  A rock?  I gingerly pick it up between thumb and forefinger.  

"Oh, gross."  It's a tooth.  A molar.  I drop it back into its dusty resting place.

"That's my tooth."  An old, scrawny fairy sits up from under the dust.

"All my teeth are here somewhere."

"Ummm..." 

"It's alright.  When a tooth fairy starts to lose his teeth, that's the beginning of the end.  Soon they'll be dust and then it will be my turn."

"So, this dust is all fairy dust?"

He nodded.  

"Gross."  I wrinkled my nose then caught myself.  "Sorry."  Fairy dust.  The word kept rolling around in my head.  "I wonder..."

I took a handful and sprinkled it over my head.  "Happy thoughts.  Think happy thoughts."

The old toothless fairy burst out laughing then was caught up in a fit of coughing and wheezing.  "Idiot."

"Shut up, Dusty."  

He grumbled something I couldn't hear.  

"How the hell am I supposed to get out of here?"  Despair was starting to set in.

"It's called a door."  He pointed behind me.

Not willing to have it disappear as quickly as it had appeared, I swung it open and dashed through.

"Surprise!"

I stopped short, flabbergasted to find myself in my own backyard.  The grass had just been cut, the flowers had been freshly watered, and a bowl of fresh garden veggies sat atop my table.  

Shelley stepped forward, cake in hand.  "Happy birthday!"

I laughed.  "Awww. Thanks!"  Pausing, I gave her the once over then moved on to Chelsea.  

"What?"  My niece grinned.

"Nothing."

And with that, we all sat down to eat cake... which somehow ended up being a cookie when I put it in my mouth.

Until next time, remember: don't eat before bed!

A couple older stories about my crazy kids

Yesterday my sister and I were talking about our blogs.  She mentioned how she loved the name of mine and so I told her how I'd come up with it.  Years ago, I'd been working on a book about my kids.  In it were a ton of short stories about them and the crazy things they used to do do. The title was 'My Kids and my Retreating Sanity'.  But, I said, I haven't written many more short stories because my kids are older now and they don't do quite as many crazy things as they used to.  

She laughed at me.  "Mi, your kids definitely DO do crazy things still.  You're just desensitized to it all!"

Hahahaha!  Yeah.  So anyway, here are a couple of those stories I had written long ago. :D  

Silence is never a good thing...

“I swear, I locked the door.”  That’s the answer I got from Kyle while I sat at home and he got his trailers loaded in Regina.  He’d just finished asking me if I’d be up when he got home and I answered his question by saying, “Sure.  I’ll still be up wiping up all of the caulking the kids got into because someone forgot to lock up the furnace room when he was done in there.”

Hmmm.  Now that the kids are in bed and the caulking is all cleaned up, I thought I’d take a minute to tell you about it.  Maybe I should start at the beginning.

This morning I went to Saskatoon and dropped Kyle off at the NRT shop so he could go to work.  My mom was a dear and watched Ashtynn for me and picked Emery up at noon so I didn’t have to worry about things.  The ride down was nice, the ride back was quiet, and I had fun visiting with mom when I got back.  Anthony got home from school and we all had a snack while we watched the second Harry Potter movie; we’re having a Harry Potter marathon right now because the box set containing years 1-6 got here today and well, when you have that many movies in a series, the thing to do is watch from beginning to end. :)

So, my day was going splendidly when the kids decided they were tired of watching Harry and went downstairs to play in their room.

Kyle text me.  How’s your day going?

Good.

How are the kids.

Excellent.  They’re being so good today.

Right on.  I’ll be home tonight about midnight.

At this point, I realize… it’s pretty quiet down there.  I tip toe down the stairs and find all three of them with pieces of jip rock, markers, a little saw, a hammer, some unused light switches and two tubes of caulking.

Emery looks at me, proud as can be.  “Look, mommy, we’re fixing!”

Ashtynn grins.  “Fixing!”

Anthony looks up midswing with the hammer.  “Fix!”

“I’m sure you are, but this is daddy’s stuff and you’re not allowed to play with it.”  I pick up the caulking, grab the hammer and little saw, and put everything back into the furnace room and lock the door.  We head back upstairs to have a snack and watch some more Harry Potter.  I look at my phone.

Do you think you’ll be up when I get home?

… Well, you know the rest of the story.  Hahaha!

Owy is never a good word

“Owy, owy, owy, ooooowwwwww!”

This is never a good sound when you’re making supper and the scream is coming from another room.  If you’re me and it’s coming from your children, you calmly tell yourself that supper is now postponed and a trip to the hospital is in order.

I’m serious.  My kids are tough… like, superhero tough.  Like, all three are running full speed in the house and manage to run into a wall, get up and do it again kind of tough.  The two year old can be lying of the ground and the seven year old will jump on her and she’ll look at him and scream… not in pain… in anger… because he made her drop her pony.  That kind of tough.  Or the five year old will jump off of his bed, trip, and smash his face into the floor, then show his siblings how to do it just like he did.

When one of my kids is screaming owy at the top of his lungs, I know it’s not going to be a good sight.  Owy means skin is missing, blood is flowing, or body parts are no longer bent in the proper direction. (thankfully, the latter has only happened once and it was a toe.  Toes are a minor body part, so I’m not even sure if it bears mentioning).

So tonight when I heard that dreadful word, I took a deep breath, and headed into my bedroom which was where the horrible sound was coming from.  This usually means a wrestling match gone wrong. My kids have a great time trying to kill each other.  It happens every day and I’ve given up on trying to stop them.  I’d never clean, I’d never eat, hell, I’d never be able to have a shit if I was trying to keep it from happening.  Survival of the fittest is the law in my house and so far, the three of them seem pretty well matched.

I heard my daughter jump off the bed and scramble to her bedroom.  I heard another thump as one of the boys jumped to the ground.  This left the five year old screaming at the top of his lungs, so I knew who was the object of today’s assassination attempt.

My first instinct when I walked into the room was to start yelling.  I opened my mouth, took a deep breath, and stopped.  I was speechless.  And then I started to laugh, because, well, it was funny as hell (though apparently not to Emery who had his head wedged between the mattress and the box-spring of my bed).  That’s right.  Today’s attempted murder was by means of head squishing.  Somehow, this was fun (I never did get a straight answer as to how or why Emery thought it was a good idea to let his siblings put his head between the mattresses) .  Stick brother’s head in mattresses and jump.  Sure, I can see the logic in that.

After freeing my son and making sure that his skull was still intact, we had a small group discussion as to why it is a bad idea to squish your brother’s head between two objects of any kind.  The three of them ran downstairs (to plan their next assassination, I’m sure), and I went back to making supper, shaking my head while thinking to myself that today was a good day. No bent body parts, no missing skin, hell, not even a single drop of blood to wipe off the floor.

So, let me rephrase that.  Today was not good.  It was fantastic. :)

Hahahaha!  Stay safe, everyone!